


i miss your smile but i miss mine more

by epsilon_eta



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: M/M, Multi, and its just rly Not Good, be safe, john doesnt know how to cope, no happy ending, pls heed the warning in the note in the beginning, this isnt nice, unhealthy relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-16
Updated: 2016-10-16
Packaged: 2018-08-22 16:08:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8292002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/epsilon_eta/pseuds/epsilon_eta
Summary: It was Wednesday, they had been fighting and now Alex was racing down the street by foot because Lafayette hadn’t been there to drive him and no one else could drive him because it was nearly 3AM so actually it was Thursday. It was Thursday and they had been fighting about - well, at first it was about the dishes, then about the mess that is their apartment and then it spiraled deeper into the abyss, John claiming that Alex was cheating on him and Lafayette with Aaron and Alex screaming that maybe he should be cheating on John because he was a shitty boyfriend and then John had thrown a punch at the wall, left an indent and left.





	

**Author's Note:**

> hello hello hello! welcome to something i wrote without any intent of posting it but its 3AM and im read 2 do something i might regret. i wrote this bc i cope a lot like john; i turn to violence. never against ppl mind u (except myself OOPS, dont worry abt me tho lol) but i wanted to put this into words. u might ask urself "why do u make ur faves suffer??" and the answer is: bc i can. i suffer so they must too.  
> now look, just bc i choose to not put archives warnings on here doesnt mean that there wont be any warnings. like i said, its an unhealthy relationship, john is abusive towards his partners and even tho they both know they dont do anything against it. theres mention of blood and of a fight so if that triggers u in any way, pls turn back and be safe. i dont want anyone 2 b hurt bc of this.  
> pls do refrain from putting hate into the comments bc ?? im a sensitive bitch baby and i will cry so. pls dont.  
> anyways i hope u enjoy, pls b safe and i will see u on the other side  
> fun fact: this is unbeta'd so pls tell me of any mistakes and i will try to correct them (this entire thing is a mistake tbh)
> 
> title taking from this: http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/621629-i-miss-your-smile-but-i-miss-mine-more

It was Wednesday, they had been fighting and now Alex was racing down the street by foot because Lafayette hadn’t been there to drive him and no one else could drive him because it was nearly 3AM so actually it was Thursday. It was Thursday and they had been fighting about - well, at first it was about the dishes, then about the mess that is their apartment and then it spiraled deeper into the abyss, John claiming that Alex was cheating on him and Lafayette with Aaron and Alex screaming that maybe he should be cheating on John because he was a shitty boyfriend and then John had thrown a punch at the wall, left an indent and left.

 

Now, almost three hours later, Alex had been interrupted in his crying by a phone call from John telling him that he was about to get into a fight and needed someone to pick him up later. Now, not even ten minutes later, Alex was racing down the street by foot to pick up his idiot boyfriend because he had to get into a fight in some ranky bar in the bad part of town. He knew exactly where the bar was because John frequented it to search for fight but, even he didn’t, the shouting that could be heard from a few blocks away would have been able to guide him. He continued to run into that direction until he was faced with a dispersing circle of people, a body being dragged back into the bar and John, beautiful John, now covered in blood and sweat and with bruised knuckles, standing in front of the establishment.

 

“Come on, jackasses, no one else wants a proper ass beating?” He was screaming at the closed door, an ugly smile on his face and he didn’t look like sweet, beautiful John at all, rather like a demon come to earth to destroy. “What? Are you too fucking scared, you fucking cun-” 

 

“John!” Alex cut him off, having finally arrived to where his boyfriend stood. Said boyfriend turned, his angry frown morphing into a smile and there was sweet, sweet John again as he grabbed Alex by his waist and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. 

 

“I’m sorry for what I said earlier.” He whispered after their lips parted, John’s hands still on Alex’s hips and Alex’s fingers curled in the front of John’s shirt. Alex only shook his head and continued to kiss his boyfriend, softly as to not disturb the already forming bruises on his face.

 

“It’s alright. I’m sorry too.” They never did forgive each other but they started walking towards the direction of their apartment that hadn’t been home for the longest time. Alex’s run had taken about ten minutes so the walk would probably be around 15 or 20 but then a car pulled up and a window rolled down, revealing their significant other steaming behind the steering wheel, gripping it in a white-knuckled grip.

 

“Get in,” they nearly growled at them and Alex scrambled to obey, while John climbed in more leisurely. Lafayette in a normal mood was dangerous enough, but having their anger directed at you equals suicide. The ride home was tense, Alex was fidgeting while almost fully sitting in John’s lap. Upon arriving at their apartment, Lafayette stalked up the stairs, fuming but not saying a word while Alex took John’s hand and dragged them both to the second floor. The door was left open for them but that didn’t mean Lafayette wanted them to be there; Alex was sure that they wanted the complete opposite actually. 

 

John was slurring something against his neck the entire way up but then pressed himself off from where he was leaning all the way onto his smaller boyfriend, effectively making climbing up the stairs and breathing quite difficult, and drunkenly sauntered into the flat. Alexander followed quickly and quietly shut the door.

 

“So, what the fuck were you two thinking running around town like this?” Lafayette was standing in the living room, still with their boots and jacket on, arms crossed and throwing an angry look from John to Alexander and back. “I get ‘ome, no one is ‘ere, there is a ‘ole in the wall that fit my entire fist and no one even text me. I think you owe me an explanation.” While Alexander was still standing in the doorframe, John made his way over to where Lafayette was standing and reached out for them, but they recoiled hardly, throwing an even angrier look at him.

 

“C’mon, babe, don’t be like this.” John slurred and reached out again, only to have his hand slapped away this time. 

 

“Do  _ not  _ ‘babe’ me, Laurens, and don’t  _ fucking  _ touch me!” They growled and backed up until they were standing behind another chair. “You are drunk.” They added and threw a look at Alexander. He expected it to be angry, but it was rather a look of helplessness, fear even. Alex understood quickly and walked over to John and took him by the arm.

 

“Come, let’s get you cleaned up and then we can sleep, alright?” He tried gently, but John wouldn’t move. Alex pulled harder on his arm but still, his boyfriend just stood there and looked at Lafayette, his soft look slowly changing to one of anger. 

 

“I’m not that drunk!” John snapped back and Alex pulled on his arm again, causing him to stumble but he regained his footing after a few moments before pulling his arm out of Alexander’s grip. “Let go off me!” He nearly screamed, taking a few tiny steps backwards from the force of his pull. Alex stepped closer to help but his hands were slapped away, just like John’s had been earlier.

 

“John,” Lafayette spoke up from behind their chair, “please, _mon chou_ , listen to us. You’re drunk and-”

 

“I told you, I’m not that drunk!” John interrupted them but Alex and Lafayette both knew he was lying if his slurred speech and sluggish movements were anything to go by. 

 

“Yes, but you are still drunk enough. Let us take care of you.” Lafayette replied, now softer than before and advancing towards their boyfriends. For a moment, it looked like John was ready to agree, he even let Alex come closer and put a hand on his shoulder, but as soon as Lafayette tried to take his arm, he recoiled and pushed them away.

 

“If you won’t let me touch you, I’m not letting you touch me.” He growled quietly and latched onto Alexander’s arm with a much too tight grip. Lafayette nodded and instead stepped behind Alex. Said man started leading John into the bathroom while Lafayette followed. Before they could enter however, Lafayette pressed a quick kiss to Alexander’s cheek.

 

“I’ll be in the bedroom if you need me,” They whispered and left them alone. Alexander gulped and looked at John who was smiling at him; a face so eerily different to what he’d seen before but it nonetheless made Alex smile as well.

 

“Let’s get you cleaned up, alright?” John nodded dopily before sluggishly walking into the dark bathroom, leaving Alexander to turn on the light before shutting the door. Under the stark bathroom light, John looked even worse: he was paler than usual, there was a small cut above his eyebrow and he had a black eye and some other bruises around his face and arms. Together with blood drying on his bruising knuckles, he didn’t make a pretty picture but he kept smiling so Alexander smiled back.

 

“Can you take your shirt off for me, baby? I’m gonna get the first aid kit.” John wiggled his eyebrows while giggling and Alexander shook his head fondly but turned around to open a cabinet to obtain their first aid kit. It was a more normal one plus some painkillers and a few more rolls of bandages than what would be considered normal, but things like the current situation happened at least once every two months or so, sometimes even more, so Alexander liked to be prepared. One thing however he wasn’t prepared for was to turn around to see John standing directly behind him, with only his boxershorts on and a devious smile on his lips.

 

“Y’know,” he started while placing his hands atop of Alex’s hips, “I’m already half-naked so…” He trailed off but the meaning was clear to both of them. Normally, Alexander would be easily swayed by an almost fully naked John, but he wasn’t in the mood and he was  _ tired _ and just wanted to get John cleaned up so they could all go to bed. So he shook his head but placed a short kiss onto John’s shoulder.

 

“Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.” He repeated himself from a few minutes ago and tried to turn out of his boyfriend’s touch but John’s grip became heavier, bordering on the wrong side of painful. 

 

“John, let me go.” Alexander said and looked up at the other who was looking at him with furrowed brows. He once again tried to get John’s hands to move, but it was fruitless and John just grabbed him harder.

 

“John, stop, you’re hurting me.” Alex almost dropped the kit while trying to wriggle away but John, upon realizing what he was doing, suddenly let him go and stepped several steps back, until his lower back was pressed into the sink.

 

“Oh- oh my God, I’m so fucking sorry, Alex, fuck. Are you okay?” John held a hand in front of his mouth and was looking onto the floor, looking as pathetic as ever. Alex rubbed his hips and saw the half-mooned marks of fingernails in his flesh but he walked over anyways, put the first aid kit onto the toilet and grabbed John’s upper arms. He still wouldn’t look up.

 

“I’m fine, John, but please, just - just let me do this for you so we can all sleep and talk about this in the morning.” John nodded wordlessly and let Alexander start working on cleaning the cuts and bandaging his knuckles. His black eye and the other bruises should be cooled but Alexander didn’t feel like doing so for at least a half hour so he mentally postponed the cooling until the next morning. He was almost done when John spoke up again.

 

“I am a shitty boyfriend, aren’t I.” Was the whispered question - no, it wasn’t a question, it was a statement worded as a question. Alexander immediately stilled his hands from where they were bandaging John’s hands and looked up to study his boyfriend’s face. John was looking at him with sad eyes, all rage gone and he looked like all the air was taken from him; he looked small and fragile and nothing like the John that had stormed out of the flat almost four hours ago.

 

“No, you’re not.” Alexander replied as steadily as he could and grabbed John’s face in his hands. “You’re wonderful but sometimes-” He cut himself off, not wanting to hurt his boyfriend’s feelings, but he took a deep breath for courage before ending his sentence. “Sometimes you can really scare me and Lafayette.” John visibly flinched at that before turning his face away and out of Alex’s hands.

 

“I’m - I never want to but-” John started before taking a shuddering breath and rubbing his hands over his face, cringing slightly at the pain. “I don’t have any excuses to give, I know I’m an asshole sometimes and - and I’m sorry. I really am, Alex.” Alexander furrowed his brows and turned John’s face to him again. 

 

“I know you are, J.” He used the old nickname with a smile and got a timid one back. “I want you to get better and I know you will. We can talk about this in the morning and we can get you help, I know  _ we  _ can.” John nodded and moved his face closer to Alexander’s, a silent request for a kiss. It was granted and their lips moved slowly against another, no trace of tongue and teeth, just a tender embrace.

 

They left the bathroom holding hands and entered the bedroom where Lafayette was sitting on the bed, scrolling on their phone. Upon seeing the other two enter, they looked up with an emotionless face and looked down at their intertwined hands. John didn’t look at them when he apologized quietly again and Alexander squeezed his hand. Lafayette sighed and put their phone onto the nightstand before walking over to them. John still didn’t look up when Lafayette hugged him and pressed a kiss to his cheek but a small smile played on his lips.

 

The three men went to bed together; Alexander in the middle, Lafayette to his left and John to his right. Lafayette was less loving than usual, an arm thrown over Alex’s stomach and their other arm lying under the pillow but when John moved to take their hand, they didn’t pull away and Alexander smiled, feeling another smile on his right shoulder and after a few seconds Lafayette moved closer and a kiss was pressed to his left shoulder.

 

“ _Bonne nuit, mes amours_.” Lafayette whispered into the dark of their bedroom and Alexander felt them stroking John’s hand with their thumb.

  
The next morning, they didn’t talk about what had happened. 

**Author's Note:**

> well  
> that was  
> something  
> i probably will not write another installment to this but there might b other stuff im writing for this verse, like laf and alex coping yada. it aint gonna b nice tho.  
> and 4 the ppl waiting on my next hamburr one-shot: ITS IN THE WRITING STILL AND Im just rly unmotivated to write any fluff rn so pls, pls bear w me. its gonna come. soonish, tho i cant promise anything.  
> either way, u can follow me on tumblr @petit-hammie, and on twitter and instagram @petit_hammie and i will maybe see u there or on another piece i write. 
> 
> french translations:  
> mon chou - it means cabbage but its a term of endearment as well, french is great. it means dear  
> Bonne nuit, mes amours. - Goodnight, my loves.


End file.
